I promise to do these things if I become Prime Minister

It’s only been a minute since I decided to run for Saturday’s election, so you’ll have to forgive me if some of my policies are a bit lacking in detail. Nevertheless, here is what I would do if elected Prime Minister.

I would ban tea bags. Australia had a thriving tea drinking culture. A pot was made to mark success or tragedy. It wasn’t quite the Japanese tea ceremony, but some effort was made. There would be a small jug for the milk. A bowl for sugar. A plate of cookies would be provided, with cream centers if you were yourself. Then there would be a contemplative pause as the miraculous liquid infused. In this nirvana, the tea bag entered and destroyed everything. A noble culture remained a smoking ruin. Now you can walk into an upmarket hotel, order some tea, and be presented with a cup of hot water, a tea bag perched on the saucer, and the unspoken instruction, “go ahead, dip it yourself- same”. It’s not correct. Banning all tea bags might seem a bit extreme, but someone needs to take a firm hand against what has become a nation of jigglers. If you are not willing to make tea properly, you are not worthy of its pleasures.

My campaign is about the big issues.Credit:Illustration: Kathleen Adele

I would prohibit special rates for new customers. Why should loyal customers, sometimes a little inattentive to price comparisons, pay more for everything? My policy: If you offer an introductory rate to attract a new customer, you should be required to offer that rate to all of your customers. Even the overly loyal and sleepy ones like me.

I would ban the sale of scissors. Well, at least I would ban the sale of scissors in hard plastic packaging that requires a pair of scissors to reach the pair of scissors. My theory: If you had a pair of scissors, you wouldn’t buy a pair of scissors.

I would prevent the sale of pre-ripped jeans. The idea is to increase productivity. If you want your jeans to look like they worked in the field, on all fours, you’ll need to find a field that you can work in, on all fours.

People who avoid buying a clothes dryer for environmental reasons should be prevented from constantly using Nana and Pa’s. OK, maybe that’s a little self-serving, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the problem is more widespread than you think.

Businesses would be required to disclose their average wait time on the phone. They say, “Your calling is important to us,” but what does it matter? I would like to be notified before registering. Is it five minutes of “important” or three hours of “important”?

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I would ban candy displays at toddler height. I know, standing at the checkout – unloading your cart, reaching for your rewards card, regrouping cold items – you should also exercise parental control over any child who happens to be with you. All the same, for the supermarket to essentially wave chocolates in a toddler’s face at the precise moment the accompanying adult is under maximum pressure, just to snatch an extra sale of $1.90, is an act of diabolical bastardy. . It must be stopped.

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